From the Rejection Pile: The Ten Best April Fools’ Day Pranks

18 03 2010

This list was rejected from a certain site I write articles for which shall go unnamed.  The reason?  It was too “outrageous” (their word, not mine).   Well, the nice thing about having your own blog is there’s no one to tell you what’s too outrageous and what isn’t.   Prepare to be outraged, for here is my list of the ten best April Fools’ Day Pranks:

  1. The Pubic Hair Switch. This is a twist on the old “shave off your pubes and glue them on someone’s face” bit.  In this version, you shave off your victim’s pubic hair as he sleeps.  Then you shave off your own pubic hair.  Then you glue your pubic hair where his pubic hair used to be.  When he wakes up he’ll be all, “Those don’t look like my pubic hairs.”  April Fools, sucker!
  2. The Hooker Double-Take. Take your victim on a car ride to one of the seedier parts of town.  Find a street corner known as a hangout for prostitutes and take him there.  Pull up alongside one of the prostitutes and tell her you’re looking for a date.  Talk her into getting into the back of your car where your victim is sitting.  When he sees her, surprise!  It’s his mom.
  3. The Third-Party Voter. Tell your victim that you make a regular habit of voting for third party candidates for political office.  He will inevitably become extremely agitated and exclaim, “But you’re throwing your vote away!”  That’s when you tell him he just fell for one of the best April Fools’ Day pranks ever.
  4. The Breakup Fake-Out. Tell your girlfriend you want to break up with her.  Have sex with another woman to make it more believable.  She’ll be devastated.  Then at the end of the day, reveal that you were just joking all along.
  5. The Wicker Man Remake. This one is more of a long con.  Tell your victim that you’re filming a remake of 1970s horror movie “The Wicker Man” and you want him for the lead role.  Make it look legit by hiring other actors, staging elaborate sets, and taking hours worth of footage.  Then after the filming is done, edit it down to five minutes of your victim running around in a bear suit punching women and post it on YouTube.  Nicholas Cage famously fell victim to this prank back in 2006.
  6. Today’s News.  Plant a story in your local paper about your victim’s parents being killed in a meth lab drug bust gone wrong.  “Oh no!” he’ll cry.  “My parents are dead!  And they were meth dealers!”  Oh man, what a crybaby.  Don’t reveal that it was a prank just yet.  Let him find this one out on his own.
  7. (Sexual) Orientation Day. This is one to pull on your best buddy.  Tell him that you’ve been harboring romantic feelings for him for some time, and you think you might be in love with him.  He will at first be uncomfortable but then he will be slightly intrigued.  That night, make passionate love to him.  The next day is April 1st, so you know what that means.  April Fools!
  8. Bad Religion. Tell your victim that you’ve joined a new religion and you’d like him to come along to your church.  Rent out a reception hall and hire a group of people to hang out there in white robes.  At some point during the night, pass out fruit punch and make a toast.  Only, you’ve put poison in yours.  Once you fall over dead, your victim will be freaked out.  Death is a small price to pay for the ultimate April Fools’ Day prank.
  9. Your Shoe’s Untied.  Tell your victim that his shoe is untied.  When he looks down, kick him in the face.  Suggested kick style:  front snap kick.
  10. The Cold Shoulder. Don’t pull any April Fools’ Day pranks.  Your friends and family will inevitably think this means you hate them, because why else would you not pull pranks on them?  Then it becomes a meta-prank because when April 2nd rolls around, you tell them that by not pranking them you were really pranking them all along.  Their heads will probably explode.

Some Articles I’ve Written

4 03 2010

I’ve recently started writing some freelance articles for Break Studios.  So far they’ve published seven of them.  They won’t be mistaken for high literature or anything, but I think I’ve managed a funny joke here and there.

Ten Worst Rock Bands of All Time

Ten Best Soundtracks of All Time

Ten Worst Rap Songs of All Time

Ten Songs About Mothers

Ten Songs With Girlfriend in Title

Ten Best TV Shows of the Eighties

Ten Worst Politicians in American History