Evidence that My Cat Is Not Batman

24 01 2010

There has recently been some confusion as to whether or not my cat, Ashes, is in fact Batman.  I am here to set the record straight.  He is not Batman, and here are some reasons why:

  • Batman has opposable thumbs.  My cat does not.
  • Batman will not cuddle in your lap.  My cat will.
  • The phrase “cat and mouse” is more often than not only used figuratively in reference to Batman.
  • Batman fights crime at night and poses as an international millionaire playboy by day.  My cat sleeps at night and sleeps during the day.
  • Batman’s arch-nemesis is the Joker.  My cat’s arch-nemesis is our other cat, Chica.
  • My cat eats kibble.  Batman, by all accounts, eats people food.
  • Batman has one servant:  Alfred.  My cat has three servants:  me, my wife and my daughter.
  • Batman roams the streets of Gotham City.  My cat roams the living room and sometimes the backyard.
  • To summon Batman, you turn on the Bat Signal.  To summon my cat, you shake a bag of catnip and make kissy noises.
  • My cat once suffered a severe urinary tract infection.  Batman maintains above-average urinary health.
  • Batman wears bulletproof body armor.  My cat wears a flea collar.
  • Batman has the Batarang, Batmobile, Batplane and Batcave.  My cat has a bit of string he likes to bat around.
  • My cat once killed a mouse.  Batman does not kill.
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The Old Ones Arise

14 01 2010

A blood red tide crashes against the shore
To stain the sand red forevermore
A ship’s hull breached by tentacled beasts
The crew now lost to a terrible feast
Row upon row of cruel, gnashing fang
Cries of terror the only song sang
These creatures came not from God’s domain
Though for eons in it they had lain
Now finished, they leave a blood red tide
And a ship with no sailors inside
Back to the murky depths they retreat
Until the next damned ship they shall meet