From the Rejection Pile: 10 Patriotic Songs for Kids

27 10 2010

I was on a roll with article rejections last week.  After having my “How to Surprise Your Girlfriend” rejected for not being serious enough, the same thing happened with this article.  I was told to remove the “sarcastic political stuff.”  Not gonna happen.  Instead I present it to you here with the sarcastic political stuff.

10 Patriotic Songs for Kids

By Jeremy Clymer Read the rest of this entry »


From the Rejection Pile: How to Surprise Your Girlfriend

20 10 2010

This article got sent back to me with the note that at least three out of the five items should be serious, and that I should definitely get rid of the bits about adopting a child and spray-painting a car.  NO DEAL.  I don’t compromise my artistic integrity.  So here it is, presented to you TOTALLY UNCENSORED.

How to Surprise Your Girlfriend

By Jeremy Clymer Read the rest of this entry »

McEggy’s Internet Tendency

28 09 2010

A couple months back, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency had a contest to find new columnists for their website.  I submitted the following prototypical humor column, but it was not accepted.  You can judge for yourself whether or not they made the right call.  (Hint: They probably did.)

Read the rest of this entry »

From the Rejection Pile: How to Date in a Godly Way

8 06 2010

When I wrote this article, I knew full well that there was really no way it was going to be accepted by the site I wrote it for. I had to write it, though. Why? Because it’s funny.

How to Date in a Godly Way

In a society where kissing and hugging are openly tolerated on the streets and moving pictures show young couples making eye contact before marriage, many have forgotten how to date in a godly way.  Here are some tips for how to interact with the opposite sex without incurring the wrath of the Lord and damning yourself to an eternity of hellfire. Read the rest of this entry »

The circle is now complete.

8 05 2010

A while back I wrote a blog post here called “Evidence that My Cat Is Not Batman.” It has since been picked up for publication by Praxis Magazine. Now I’m writing a blog post about it.  You’re welcome, Internet.

RE: Gorgeous grrl lking for smthing casual

1 05 2010

Good news!  I just got a humor piece published at Hobo Pancakes, on online journal of humor that will make you guffaw in your pants.  You ARE wearing pants, right?  Then head over and read it.

Evidence that My Cat Is Not Batman

24 01 2010

There has recently been some confusion as to whether or not my cat, Ashes, is in fact Batman.  I am here to set the record straight.  He is not Batman, and here are some reasons why:

  • Batman has opposable thumbs.  My cat does not.
  • Batman will not cuddle in your lap.  My cat will.
  • The phrase “cat and mouse” is more often than not only used figuratively in reference to Batman.
  • Batman fights crime at night and poses as an international millionaire playboy by day.  My cat sleeps at night and sleeps during the day.
  • Batman’s arch-nemesis is the Joker.  My cat’s arch-nemesis is our other cat, Chica.
  • My cat eats kibble.  Batman, by all accounts, eats people food.
  • Batman has one servant:  Alfred.  My cat has three servants:  me, my wife and my daughter.
  • Batman roams the streets of Gotham City.  My cat roams the living room and sometimes the backyard.
  • To summon Batman, you turn on the Bat Signal.  To summon my cat, you shake a bag of catnip and make kissy noises.
  • My cat once suffered a severe urinary tract infection.  Batman maintains above-average urinary health.
  • Batman wears bulletproof body armor.  My cat wears a flea collar.
  • Batman has the Batarang, Batmobile, Batplane and Batcave.  My cat has a bit of string he likes to bat around.
  • My cat once killed a mouse.  Batman does not kill.